My Immortal: As Read by the Trolls
by Holy-Miracles-21
Summary: The infamous story about a Mary-Sue who has guys falling in love with her all around, a Slytherin prep who is totally not a prep, the boy who lived is depressed and needs a hug, and some girl named Raven who has her poster stolen by the author, as read by none other than the trolls!
1. And so it Begins

**Karkat:** Holy-Miracles-21 does not own the original fic or Harry Potter or Homestuck.

**Equius:** She also apologizes if any of the trolls are OOC because she says 'I suck at getting the personalities right, don't get mad at me'.

* * *

"Sollux, are you serious about this?"

"Yeth I am, KK."

"I think this is a bad idea, I can barely read the first line."

"I agree with Maryam."

"Can we please stop the discussion and just read it?!"

"Fine."

"KK, you be the narrator."

"Ugh, fine. Who reads the ANs?"

"They're called Author's Notes. And I would be delighted to read them."

_AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!_

"What did I just read?" Kanaya wondered aloud.

"Thomeone loveth her?" Sollux asked.

"Sollux!" Aradia scolded.

_Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)-_

"Her hair was how she got her name?" Karkat asked. "What, was she born with a full head of hair?"

"Shut up and keep reading," Terezi ordered.

_with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee. (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). _

"Wwe don't knoww wwho she is," Eridan pointed out.

"Eridan, we are going to keep reading!" Feferi said.

_I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white._

"Vampire?" Equius asked.

"I think that is probably a rainbow-drinker," Aradia answered.

_I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. _

"Yeah, because it didn't make sense before you explained!" Karkat deadpanned.

"Wait, we wear black…" Terezi pointed out. "Does that-"

"No," Vriska said. "Noooooooo."

_I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow._

"Kanaya, it involves clothes. Did you secretly write this?" Nepeta asked.

"Of course not. Someone should never wear a corset with a miniskirt, nor red eye shadow with pink fishnets, it's all wrong!"

_I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them._

"Snowing and raining?" Tavros questioned.

"It's miracles, man," Gamzee said. "Motherfucking miracles."  
"KK, choothe who you want the guy and the girl to be," Sollux said.

"Well, his name is Draco, and he sounds like a… 'prep'… Captor, care to be the douchey prep?"

"Whatever."

"And the baby with the full head of hair can be… Aradia."

"Okay."

_"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!_

_"What's up Draco?" I asked._

_"Nothing." he said shyly._

_But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away._

"Best conversation ever!" Vriska said sarcastically.

_AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!_

"No. No, it is not good," Karkat said.

"Don't be a downer, Karkitty!" Nepeta said. "Maybe it might get better in the future?"

"I seriously doubt that."

"Well, let's start the next chapter. Shall we?" Aradia asked.

"We thall," Sollux answered.

* * *

**Aradia: **She hopes you enjoyed their pain.

**Terezi: **Don't forget to leave a review! We all know you can see it down there!

**Vriska: **Tune in tomorrow for another chapter~


	2. Oh Gog

_AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!_

"Oh Gog..." Karkat mumbled.

_The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends._

"Why ith that tho important?!" Sollux whined.

_I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun._

_My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)_

"Who's Raven?" Nepeta asked.

"I think that's a bird," Equius replied.

"Can't it also be a name?" Aradia wondered aloud.

"It only has five letters…" Terezi pointed out.

_woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)_

"Ugh, again with the detailth no one careth about!" Sollux complained.

"Megido, who shall be your 'bestie', Willow?" Karkat asked.

"Um… Terezi?"

"M'kay."

_"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly._

_"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing._

_"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall._

_"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted._

_"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me._

_"Hi." he said._

_"Hi." I replied flirtily._

"What bothers me the most about this horrid story," Kanaya said, "is that this girl is terrible at grammar, and is even worse at spelling."

"No one can spell that badly… maybe she's a dumb robot?" Vriska suggested.

"Well, that was insulting," Equius commented.

_"Gueth what." he said._

_"What?" I asked._

"Well, the beth fucking band in the hithory of the univerthe ith having a conthert in Hogthmeade," Sollux said.

Aradia started giggling uncontrollably.

_"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR._

"What's MCR?" Tavros asked.

"Um… Maybe it stands for something?" Karkat said.

"Mind… Controlled… Rabbits," Vriska said.

"Migraine… Comma… Red…" Feferi said.

"Muddy… Common… Ribbit…" Gamzee said.

"Okay, that wwas bad, guys," Eridan said.

_"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked._

_I gasped._

"Thuthpenthe!" Sollux exclaimed.

"She's obvviously goin to say yes," Eridan implied.

"Thpoiler alert, fithboy!"

* * *

**Nepeta:** Hope you enjoyed! :33

**Tavros:** Be sure to, uh, leave a review, please.

**Kanaya:** Tune in tommorrow for another chapter!


	3. NOPENOPENOPE

**Karkat:** WARNING: This is the chapter with the 'birds-n-the-bees' in it. If you can't handle that, please do not read it.

* * *

_AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte._

"I am slowly losing brain cells by reading this," Kanaya stated.

"My brain thellth committed thuithide," Sollux replied.

_On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress-_

"Blah blah blah," Karkat skipped most of the paragraph.

_I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!)._

"No, no they do not," Eridan deadpanned.

_"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice._

"How can you have an exclamation point if you say it all depressed?" Terezi wondered aloud.

_"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs._

"Cause that _totally_ makes you cool!" Aradia exclaimed sarcastically.

Gamzee cleared his throat.

_When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte._

_"You come in cold, you're covered in blood_  
_They're all so happy you've arrived_  
_The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom_  
_She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song)._

"Well, that's depressing," Tavros stated.

_"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice._

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

_"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on._

"Moshed?" Nepeta asked.

_"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said._

_"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective._

_"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face._

_The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!_

"Woo! That leaves me to wonder what the fuck they'll be doing!" Karkat said sarcastically.

_AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!_

"I hate you, Sollux," Karkat said angrily.

"Teehee," Sollux replied.

_"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"_

_Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously._

_"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily._

_"Ebony?" he asked._

_"What?" I snapped._

_Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore._

"Yep, cause that _totally_ makes me forgive a guy! Just look in his eyes!" Vriska said.

_And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it-_

"Nope nope nope nope nope nope!"

"SKIP SKIP SKIP!"

"Why did I want to read thith?"

"Nepeta, don't pay attention!"

"Why?! WHY!?"

_"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"_

_It was….Dumbledore!_

"I'm done! I am _so_ done with this!" Karkat exclaimed.

"C'mon, Karkat. There'th only… forty more chapterth left…" Sollux trailed off.

A bang came from Karkat's end. No doubt he was banging his head on the desk.

* * *

**Gamzee:** Thanks for reading, everybody!

**Sollux:** Thankth for all the kind reviewth! Don't forget to leave one!

**Eridan:** Tune in for another chapter tomorroww!


	4. Blah Blah Blah

_AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!_

"Y'know," Karkat started, "I bet she didn't get five good reviews, but instead she just updated because she had nothing better to do in her miserable life."

"Touché," Terezi agreed. "Well, anyway, Gamzee, you wanna be the other guy?"

"Yeah, okay."

_Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily._

_"You ludacris fools!" he shouted._

"That was, uh, pretty good, Gamzee," Tavros commented.

"Thank you, thank you. I try."

_I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry._

"Ooookay," Gamzee said. "Equius, you be the Snake guy."

"Okay."

"Kanaya, you be McGonagool."

"Alright."

_"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice._

"Sexual intercourse?" Nepeta asked.

"She is so innocent," Vriska commented.

_"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall._

_"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape._

_And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUTHE I LOVE HER!"_

_Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."_

"Perfectly good explanation!" Sollux clapped sarcastically.

_Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us._

_"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently._

_"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress-_

"Blah blah blah," Karkat, yet again, skipped it.

_Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room._

"He wanth to take advantage of her!" Sollux said in a serious tone. "He wanth to tap that!"

_AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!_

"Is it just me, or is she getting worse at spelling?" Kanaya asked.

"If she's getting worse, I can't wait to see it on the last chapter," Aradia answered. "For more reasons than one, really."

_The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a-_

Karkat didn't even bother to say blah.

_In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top._

"What kind of school serves blood anyway?" Feferi asked.

"A school allowws rainboww-drinkers, and _that's_ wwhat you're askin'?" Eridan replied.

_"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with-_

_"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice._

"Tavros, do you want to be the new guy?" Kanaya asked.

"Uh, sure."

_"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned._

_"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled._

_"Why?" I exclaimed._

_"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled._

_"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed._

_"Really?" he whimpered._

_"Yeah." I roared._

"Why is she using describing words when they don't really belong where she put them?" Kanaya asked. "They don't make any sense where they are."

_We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him._

"He'th going to uthe her!" Sollux said. "He'th going to uthe her, then cheat on her!"

"I don't really see that happenin', Sol," Eridan replied.

"I thwear, he ith! I can thee it happening!"

"You're being silly, Sollux," Nepeta giggled.

* * *

**Feferi:** Hope you enjoyed! 38D

**Equius:** Please do not forget to leave a review.

**Karkat:** Tune in tomorrow to see more of our pain and misery.


	5. Sollux can Thee the Future

_AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!_

"She's a Mary Sue," Karkat deadpanned.

_Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco._

"A Mary Sue has guys falling in love with her all the time, one with no bad flaws, and she's just peeeeeeeerfect," Vriska said. "Evony is the description of Mary Sue."

_Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…_

"Oh Gog, not again!" Kanaya groaned.

_We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.-_

"Blah blah blah."

"This is stupid!"

"Oh Gog, why?!"

"I hate this story!"

_"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an-_

"Nope!"

_when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!_

"YETH!" Sollux cheered. "I called it!"

"Oh my Cod, Sol wwas right," Eridan said. "It wwas a cliché moment anywway. Of course, the girl wwould get cheated on, find another, fall in lovve, get married, end of story."

"I will drown you."

_I was so angry._

_"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed._

_"No! No! But you don't underthand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much._

_"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"_

_I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care._

"That is just disgusting," Aradia commented.

"A really big what?" Nepeta asked.

"You don't need to know," Feferi replied.

_I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people._

_"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled._

"Harry! His name is Harry!" Karkat said.

* * *

**AN:** Hello~ I am the writer of this little story, and I've come to say that I shall stop updating everyday because I am lazy, I get uncre8ive very easily, among others things I have to do, like eat and sleep and entertain myself. So this is one of the few times you shall hear from me.

Another thing: Should I change the speaking roles to something like this:

**_"Y0u bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed._**

**_"No! No! But you don't underthand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much._**

**_"N0, y0u fucking idi0t!" I shouted. "Y0u pr0bably have AIDs anyway!"_**

Now, without ado, take it away guys~

**Terezi:** Thanks for reading~

**Nepeta:** Don't forget to leave a review please!

**Vriska:** Tune in tomorrow for another chapter... or the chapter may come the day after... who knows?

_*dramatic music plays*_


	6. Little Ears

_AN: stop flassing ok! if u do de prep!_

"What even is a prep?" Kanaya asked.

_Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back._

_"Ebony, iit'th not what you thiink!" Draco screamed sadly._

"That'th what they all thay!" Sollux said.

"You're enjoyin' this, aren't you?" Eridan asked.

"Kinda."

_My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and-_

"Is most of this story about clothes?!" Karkat asked angrily.

"Probably," Terezi commented.

"Yeah," Sollux said, disappointment is his tone.

_Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was-_

"This is stupid," Vriska said.

_"D - What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him._

_"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated 0n me with Drac0!" I shouted at him._

"Kanaya, would you choothe who is Vampire?" Sollux asked.

"Oh, um, sure… How about Eridan? He is kind of a wizard."

"Yes!"

_Everyone gasped._

The trolls all gasped dramatically.

_I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me-_

"What?"

"Did the point of view just switch mid-story?"

"I guess…"

"This is the most poorly written story I have ever read."

"You don't even read."

_I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)_

"Preps."

"What are prepth?"

"What are Goths?"

"Goths are obviously idiots."

_"But I'm not goin out wwith Draco anymore!" said Vampire._

_"Yeah fucking right! Fuck 0ff, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility-_

"Virility?" Feferi asked. "Why is she using that instead of virg-"

"We have little ears here!" Nepeta squealed, covering her ears.

Tavros then covered his own ears.

_to Draco and then I started to bust into tears._

"Bust? She exploded!" Karkat cheered.

"Thirty-thix more chapterth."

"Damn."

* * *

**Terezi:** No offense to any Goths! We're sorry if we offended you!

**Eridan:** Thanks for readin!

**Sollux:** If you leave a review, we get fed tonight!

**Gamzee:** Until next time, everybody~


	7. Scent

_AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!_

"I think she _is_ getting worse at spelling and grammar," Kanaya commented. "Is that even possible?"

_I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco._

"How do you remember the place you did the deed?" Vriska asked. "Do you leave a scent or something?"

"You don't want to know," Terezi said in a disgusted tone.

_Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!_

"Eridan? Who ith Voldemort?"

"Tavvros?"

"Uh, okay."

_"N0!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius*!" and I couldn't run away._

_"Cr00kshanks**!"_

"Crookshanks?" Karkat questioned.

"Imperius is weirder than that," Gamzee commented.

"It all makes sense if you _actually_ read the books," Eridan replied.

_I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped._

"Yeah, you're a sadist, you're soooooooo special!" Vriska rolled her eyes.

_"Uh, Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"_

_I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes-_

"No!" Karkat yelled. "No! Noooo! No! This is just… No!"

_"N0, V0ldem0rt!" I shouted back._

_Voldemort gave me a gun.-_

"Wait, excuse me," Kanaya said. "Isn't Voldemort the most powerful dark wizard? Am I mistaken, Eridan?"

"No, Kanaya."

"Then why couldn't he have killed Harry himself?"

"The power of Mary-Thueth," Sollux commented.

_"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy, uh, beloved Draco!"_

_"H0w did y0u kn0w?" I asked in a surprised way._

_Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis."_

"'Hath'? Since wwhen wwas Sollux in this fan-fiction?"

Laughter came from Vriska and Terezi's end, and gagging came from Eridan's.

"Sollux," Feferi said calmly. "You can't choke Eridan."

The gagging stopped.

"I'll get you, fithboy."

"I'll knock you against the wwall."

"I will thithe you in half."

"I wwill-"

"Oh, you two can make out later," Vriska deadpanned.

_"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then, uh, thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick._

_I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods._

"What the hell is Draco doing close to the woods in the furrst place?" Nepeta asked.

"Nepeta, please do not use that foul language."

"Sorry, Equius."

_"Drac0!" I said. "Hi!"_

_"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing-_

"NO!" Karkat yelled.

_"Are y0u 0kay?" I asked._

_"No." he answered._

_"I'm s0rry I g0t all mad at y0u but I th0ught y0u cheated 0n me." I expelled._

_"That'2 okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out._

Karkat slammed his head against the table again.

"Please kill me."

"When and where?" Vriska asked.

"Vriska!" everyone else yelled.

"It was a _joke!"_


	8. Karkat Flips a Table

_AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!_

"I am ready to flip a table," Karkat commented.

_I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now-_

A loud bang came from Karkat's end.

"Oh my cod, wwhat did you do?"

"Karkitty, are you okay?!"

"What idiotic act did you pull?"

"I flipped a table."

"You are the future."

"Shut up."

_I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak)-_

"Vegans!"

_and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride._

"Yes, The Corpse Bride is _so_ depressing," Terezi said.

_I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not._

"She's a slut!" Aradia suddenly yelled.

"My God, woman," Sollux commented.

_We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears._

"Fef, you wwanna be the neww girl?"

"Yeah!"

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

_"What the fuck d0 y0u think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, V0ldem0rt came and the fucking bastard t0ld me t0 fucking kill Harry! But I d0n't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did g0 0ut with Draco. But if I d0n't kill Harry, then V0ldem0rt, will fucking kill Drac0!" I burst into tears._  
_Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall._

"What the fuck?" Gamzee asked.

"So, he wwas just… wwaitin there?" Eridan asked. "Behind a wwall? The entire time?"

"How do you even get behind a wall?!" Sollux yelled, extremely confused. "It'th a _wall! A wall!"_

"We are reading this shit, and that's what your asking?" Karkat raged.

_"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)_

"This whole thing is out of character," Kanaya commented.

_I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying._

_We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache._

_"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely._

"Cry wisely?" Vriska asked. "Is that even possible?"

_(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)_

"Oh, incorrect grammar," Feferi cringed.

_"Ebony, Draco has been found in his motherfucking room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."_

**"What?!"**

"Didn't it say that vampires can't commit suicide?!"

"Maybe he found the 'steak'!"

_AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!_

Kanaya sighed.

_"N0!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way._

"I am ready to flip another table," Karkat said.

"I would be happy to join," Sollux agreed.

_Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a-_

"Blah blah blah, descriptions no one gives a fuck about…"

_I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!_

"Masticating?!"

Karkat was laughing at his end.

"Masticating! Oh, this girl has written some terrible things… _masticating! _HA! This twat is an _idiot!"_

_"EW, Y0U FUCKING PERVS, ST0P L00KING AT ME NAKED! ARE Y0U PED0S 0R WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in._

_"Abra Kedavvra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb._

"Womb?!"

"Oh my cod."

"I am losing brain cells."

"Anyway, Snape is already Equius… Nepeta, you're Loopin."

"Yay!"

"And Terezi is Hagrid."

"Alright."

_I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times-_

Thumps came from multiple ends. More head banging and face palming.

"Being shot… by a gun… a _gazillion times?!"_

"I bet a certain person knows how that feels like."*****

"Too far, man, too far!"

_Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that a motherfucker has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…_

_Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk._

_"What d0 y0u kn0w, Hargrid? Y0u're just a little H0gwarts student!"_

_"1 M4Y B3 4 HOGW4RTS STUD3NT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT 1 4M 4LSO 4 S4T4N1ST! H3H3H3H3!"_

The trolls gasped.

"NO!"

"I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING!"

"PLOT TWIST!"

_"D - This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."_

_"Y0U D0N'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly._

_Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. ":33 The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"_

_I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood._

"Thank you for that subplot, Evony," Karkat said sarcastically.

_":33 Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook._

_And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint._

_"B3C4US3…B3C4US3…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent._

"Gothic… of course…" Aradia groaned.

"What's worse is it's by some guy named 50 Cent," Vriska replied. "With that name, you know he's a douche bag."

_"D - Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan._

_"B3C4US3 1 LOV3 H3R!"_

"The pickth up more guyth than the amount of how many timeth ED wath dumped," Sollux said.

"Sol, I wwill kill you."

"Love you too, buddy."

* * *

**AN: **I would like to thank livvykitty for the flipping table idea. :33

It was you, right?

Anyway, sorry I haven't updated in like EVER! It's basically been school and pure laziness... sorry! I am so, so sorry!

**EDIT:** Bluh. I fail.

*****Remember when Jade shot Bec Noir, but accidently hit Dave a gazillion times? Yeah.

NOW TAKE IT AWAY, GUYS!

**Karkat:** Thanks for reading. Fuckass.

**Terezi:** Be sure to leave a review! If you do, Hussie lets us live!

**Kanaya:** Be sure to tune in next chapter!


	9. And It Continues

**AN:** I'M BACK!

*crickets*

COD, I haven't updated in a long time. Mostly because my mojo has run dry.

Sowwy! You won't have to wait this long for an update again! (no promises)

* * *

_AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r-_

"Are you serious? _This one?"_

"Why this one?"

"What did we do to deserve this?"

"We will do anything, just don't make us read it!"

"Shut up and continue."

"Yeah, we endured twelve chapters of this shit, get a move on!"

_I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together._

"This is worst than Twilight," Dave complained.

"That is an insult," John said, "to Stephanie Meyer."

_"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire._

"She seems slightly disappointed," Jade mused.

_He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites._

"Plot twist!" Karkat yelled, rolling his eyes.

_I stopped. "H0w did u kn0w?"_

"She can't even spell out 'you'?" Rose asked, disappointment dripping on her words. "This is sad."

_"I saww it! And my scar turned back into the lightnin bolt!"_

_"N0!" I ran up closer. "I th0ught y0u didn't have a scar anym0re!" I shouted._

_"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me-_

"Kill me," Dave said miserably, hanging his head in his hands.

_and I alwways cover it up wwith foundation." he said back. "Anywway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightnin bolt! Savve me! then I had a vvision of wwhat wwas happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"_

"Volfemort?" Nepeta asked curiously.

"It is a misspelling of his actual name," Eridan enlightened.

"Only you," Sollux deadpanned, "only you, ED, would know that."

_Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists. Snap and Loopin and HAHRID-_

"HAHRID!" Karkat yelled his name as he read.

_were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz._

Dave starting hitting his head against his desk repeatedly.

_Dumbledore had constipated-_

John started laughing his head off.

_the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them._

_Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses._

_"3VONY 1 N33D TO T3LL U SOM3TH1NG." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses._

"V?" Jade asked. "Does she mean 'very'?"

"It seems she's getting lazier and lazier with her spelling," Kanaya answered, shaking her head.

_"Fuck 0ff." I told him. "Y0u kn0w I fucking hate the c0l0r pink anyway, and I d0n't like fucked up preps like y0u." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik._

_"NO 3VONY." Hargrid says. "THOS3 4R3 NOT ROS3S."_

_"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses._

"Yes!" Vriska exclaimed. "We didn't notice you were angry about the roses!"

_"I S4V3D YOUR L1F3!" He yelled angrily. "N0 y0u didn't I replied." "Y0u saved me fr0m getting a Paris Hilt0n p- vide0-_

"I never wanted to die so bad," Dave groaned.

_made from y0ur sh0wer scene and being vued by Snap and L00pin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong)-_

"YES, IT IS!" everyone yelled.

_to it he added silently._

_"Whatever!" I yelled angirly._

_He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "TH3S3 4R3N'T ROS3S." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD-_

"Gamzee wrote it!" John yelled.

Everyone looked at Gamzee. He simply honked a horn.

_TO SAY! ._

_"That's n0t a spell that's an MCR s0ng." I corrected him wisely._

"You're not wise!" Dave yelled. "You can't spell shit!"

_"1 KNOW, 1 W4S JUST W4RM1NG UP MY VOCAL CORD3S." Then he screamed. "P3TULUS M3R3NGO M1 KR3M1CL1 ROM4C1O(4 all u cool goffic-_

"NO!" Karkat skipped it.

_1MO NOTO OK4YO!"_

_And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black._

"What?" Jade asked.

Rose reread it. "It said it was black twice…"

John shook his head. Dave started laughing, then banged his head on the desk. He was losing it.

He stood up, and headed for the door. "Fuck this shit, I'm leaving."

Karkat turned in his chair. "You can't leave, we haven't finished the chapter!"

"You can finish it, I'm _done!"_

John sighed. "I guess we'll have to finish it next time."

* * *

**Dave:** Ooooh, what's this?

**Karkat:** This is where we beg for reviews and to tune in next time.

**Dave:** Okay... HELP THIS CRAZY-ASS WOMAN IS KEEPING US HOSTAGE-

**Author:** Okay, that's enough from you Dave. Take it away, guys~!

**Jade:** Sorry about the long wait! Hope you enjoyed!

**Rose:** Don't forget to leave a review, and spell the words right!

**John:** See you next time! Bye~!


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